


What if you're my destiny?

by Thomasnewtminho29



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Angst, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Miscommunication, Mutual Pining, Season 4 Rewrite
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-26
Updated: 2020-06-26
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:21:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24926851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thomasnewtminho29/pseuds/Thomasnewtminho29
Summary: A rewrite of Zach and Alex's journey through season four.
Relationships: Alex Standall/Winston Williams, Charlie St. George/Alex Standall, Zach Dempsey & Justin Foley, Zach Dempsey/Alex Standall
Comments: 11
Kudos: 80





	What if you're my destiny?

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone!
> 
> I wanted to do a rewrite of season 4 because even though I think Alex and Charlie are super cute, I'm sad that we didn't get Alex when there were SO many scenes throughout the season which showed how deep their connection was. Also I hate what they did to Zach and how he was still struggling at the end though a bit more hopeful that things would get better.
> 
> So there are some bits that are pretty similar to the series, some bits I've tweaked slightly, and some big changes! (I had to make Zach study graphic design instead for music for reasons you'll see when you get to the end). I've also included lots of Zach and Justin towards the end because I adore their friendship and I'm so sad we never got to see them talk it out before Justin died. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy and please let me know what you think!

One minute Alex was falling, the next he was back on solid ground. Zach’s arms wrapped tightly around him for a moment and Alex felt himself relax, the safety of being with his best friend instantly pushed away the fear and panic he’d felt. Zach’s hands moved to Alex’s shoulders and he started to laugh. Alex saw the sparkle in his eyes, and the wide grin on his face, and he couldn’t help but smile too. This was the Zach he knew, not the drunk and bitter boy who’d replaced him over the past few weeks. This was the Zach he loved.

He didn’t know if it was the adrenaline or just the relief that his Zach was still in there somewhere, but Alex suddenly found himself closing the distance between them and pressing his lips to Zach’s.

The kiss was like nothing he’d ever felt before. It was like a lightning bolt had struck him, filling his entire body with warmth and energy. And then, for a moment, he felt Zach kiss him back.

Alex pulled away sharply, his heart racing. Shit. What had he done? He looked at Zach. His friend’s eyes were closed, his lips parted, a blush spreading across his cheeks. Then he suddenly seemed to shake himself and opened his eyes, a look of confusion crossing his face.

Alex’s heart sank.

“Um” Zach mumbled, patting Alex’s shoulder awkwardly. “Wow. That was- uh…”

“Shit” Alex panicked. “I’m so sorry!” He turned to run away, but Zach’s hand closed around his wrist and pulled him back.

“No, Alex, seriously- it’s ok. I- I just” Zach was stammering, struggling to get his words out and Alex forgot about his embarrassment and panic for a moment as he watched. “I’m not into guys” Zach said finally. “Girls, I-”

“I know” Alex interrupted. He felt like a complete idiot. God, what had he been thinking?

“Listen to me” Zach said. “You know I care about you, right? No matter what. Always.”

Alex nodded. He did know that, Zach was so sweet and kind, and he was always there for him. Alex just wished it could be something more. For a moment he thought it was going to be something more. He must have read the signs wrong. Stupid. “Yeah” he said quietly. “Look- I should go.”

“No” Zach said firmly. “We’re hanging out tonight. Seriously.” He looped his arm around Alex’s shoulders and Alex immediately felt that warmth and safety again. They walked over to the edge of the roof looking down at the streets beneath them. Zach giggled, and Alex felt his heart soar again. He was so screwed. “Come on” Zach said, squeezing Alec’s shoulders. “Let’s get you to safety and get some ice cream.”

**************

Zach barely remembered the drive home after he dropped Alex off. Alex had kissed him. Why had Alex done that? What did it even mean? Of course, Zach didn’t care if Alex was gay, or bi- he’d support him no matter what. What Zach was confused about were his own feelings. Feelings he didn’t even want to think about right now.

His Mom was waiting by the front door, her arms crossed, and her eyes narrowed. “Where have you been?” she asked as Zach brushed past her.

“None of your business” he drawled.

He heard his Mom’s shoes clicking across the floor and then she grabbed his arm and turned him to face her. “Zachary Shan-Yung Dempsey.” She hissed, her face twisted with anger. “I don’t know what has gotten into you lately, but this behaviour stops now.”

“Oh, sorry” Zach replied sarcastically. “Am I embarrassing you? Not the perfect son you thought I was?” He wrenched his arm out of her grasp and started walking up the stairs.

“Your father would be ashamed.”

His Mom’s words made him pause for a moment. She was right, his Dad would be ashamed of everything he’d done but he couldn’t bring himself to care anymore. He continued to his room, slamming the door for extra effect. Zach was miserable, and lonely, and worst of all he deserved it. He rummaged under his bed, taking out the bottle of vodka he’d hidden there. He drank to forgot Bryce, and Monty, and his parents. He drank to forget how his lips were still tingling from kissing his best friend. He drank until he couldn’t feel the pain anymore.

***********

Alex wondered how many times you could ask the question ‘Where the fuck is Zach Dempsey?’ before it got ridiculous.

It was the end of their college visit day, the coach was about to leave, and his best friend was nowhere to be found. Alex sighed as he took out his phone and sent two texts.

**To Zach: Dude. What the fuck happened? Where are you?**

**To Clay: Hey, why aren’t you guys back yet? I asked you to take care of him!**

As Alex put his phone away, Winston came up beside him and nudged him in his ribs. “Hey” he said, smiling. “Are you going to stand here all day or are you going to get on the coach?”

Alex sighed. “I’m waiting for Zach.”

“Zach Dempsey and Clay Jensen won’t be making the journey back with us” Principal Bolan said, overhearing them. “They’re… let’s say they have some explaining to do.”

Alex’s stomach dropped. Great. So that meant that Zach had probably got drunk, made a fool out of himself, and maybe done something illegal. He didn’t know what to do anymore. He loved Zach with all his heart, but maybe it was time to let that love go and support him as a friend. Zach had it pretty clear anyway that he wasn’t into guys.

He followed Winston onto the coach, nodding and smiling at the right moments in the story his new friend was telling him. As the coach set off, his phone buzzed, and he stealthily pulled it out without Winston noticing.

**From Zach: Ok, so it wasn’t my fault (well most of it wasn’t)! Jensen went full on crazy. I’ll tell you the full story when I pick you up tomorrow.**

Alex rolled his eyes. At least Zach was safe, that’s all he could ask for now. As he was about to put his phone away, another text came through.

**From Zach: Anyway, how was your day? Feel like you got a good taste of that college life?**

**To Zach: Can’t believe you’re in trouble. AGAIN. My day wasn’t bad. Didn’t see much actually- went off with Winston.**

**From Zach: Oh.**

Alex frowned. ‘Oh’. That was it? He slipped his phone back into his pocket. He didn’t have the energy to decipher Zach’s texts right now, they’d talk in the morning. He turned his attention to Winston and smiled. Maybe it was time to open up a little.

**************

This dance sucked.

Zach pulled away from Madison, or Melissa, or whatever the girl he’d just been making out with was called. He just wasn’t feeling it. He flashed her a fake smile. “How about I get us some drinks?” he winked. “I’ll make them a bit more exciting, if you know what I mean.”

The girl laughed, flicking her hair back. “Sure. I’ll be waiting right here for you. Can’t wait to finally have a dance” she said suggestively.

Zach stumbled away, his head spinning with how much he’d already had to drink. He saw Alex across the room, and this time a genuine smile crossed his face. The drink was making him braver than usual and he thought that maybe, just maybe, he could say something to Alex. Something like ‘I can’t stop thinking about that kiss’ or ‘I’ve realised just how much you mean to me.’ Things he 100% wouldn’t say if he was sober.

He’d got half way across the room when he saw Winston suddenly appear next to Alex and grab hold of his hand. Zach watched as they slipped out of the door into the corridor, and he was pretty sure he could feel his heart breaking. So that was why Alex had ditched him earlier. He’d wondered if there was something between Alex and Winston since after the college tour when he’d noticed Alex blushing whenever Winston’s name was brought up. He turned away, his eyes burning. He wasn’t good enough. Alex deserved better. Zach didn’t even know what he wanted, didn’t know if it was loneliness and alcohol that was making him feel this way about his best friend.

“Hey man, you ok?”

Zach looked up to see Justin standing in front of him, looking concerned. “Not now, Foley” he mumbled, trying to move past him.

Justin blocked his path. “Yes, now” he said firmly.

Zach pulled his flask of whiskey out of his pocket, making eye contact with Justin as he drank.

“Dude” Justin hissed. “Seriously, there are like two chaperones with their eyes on you right now.”

“So what” Zach shrugged, but he put the flask away anyway. “Are they gonna bust me for having fun?”

“Are you having fun though?” Justin asked. “What’s going on with you?” He put his hand out to touch Zach’s shoulder, and Zach jumped out of his reach.

Zach saw red. He was sick of people asking that question. He wished everyone would just leave him alone to deal with the mess of his life. “Don’t fucking touch me” he said, unable to keep the anger out of his voice.

“Zach…”

“You know,” Zach said “Maybe you should take care of your own shit. Your boy Clay is going crazy. Your girl’s making out with Diego...” He watched as Justin’s expression shifted from hurt to angry. He knew he’d gone too far, that he was ruining his friendship with Justin, but he just couldn’t stop himself.

Justin threw up his hands. “Fine. Deal with it by yourself. I tried, and now I’m done.” He turned and walked away, weaving through the crowd.

Zach watched him go, feeling more alone than ever. He looked around the room at everyone dancing and having a good time and he realised he didn’t belong there. He left quietly, no one noticed, and no one stopped him. He guessed this was just how it would be from now on.

***********

If you’d asked Zach a year ago if he was excited about the senior camping trip, he would have said yes. However, a lot of shit had gone down since then and now, hiking in the woods, trying to find some buried treasure was the last place he wanted to be.

He leant against a tree while Charlie studied the map they’d been given. “Ok” Charlie said, sounding way too energetic. “If we go North for about half a mile, I think we should find a clue.”

“Or” Zach replied, “we could blow this whole thing off and actually go and have some fun.”

Charlie turned to look at him with the weary expression that crossed so many of his friends’ faces nowadays. “Zach come on. Can we just follow the rules for once?”

“You can follow the rules if you want” Zach told him. “I’m going to go to the river.”

He walked off ignoring Charlie’s calls to stop and come back.

He walked until he came to lake and grinned when he saw a small rowing boat abandoned on the pebbles near the water. Perfect. He could spend the day doing absolutely nothing with no one to annoy him or telling him to sort his life out. He lay down in the boat with his arms behind his head, basking in the sun’s rays. As he relaxed, his mind drifted to Alex as it often did nowadays. Ever since the dance, when he’d seen his friend leave with Winston, he’d had this constant heavy feeling in his stomach whenever he thought of Alex. It confused him and made him feel guilty. Surely, he should just want his best friend to be happy, and if he was happy with Winston then what was the problem? Deep down Zach knew exactly what the problem was, he just wasn’t ready to admit it yet.

“I think those float better on water than rocks”. The voice jolted Zach out of his thoughts. He squinted as he looked up and saw Alex standing on top of the hill. His heart fluttered.

“Wanna find out?” he called.

“No, my Dad’s just up the hill” Alex replied.

Zach rolled his eyes, Alex just needed to live a little. “Yup” he shrugged, and then smiled as he watched Alex carefully start to make his way towards him.

They pushed the boat out onto the lake and Zach took charge of the oars, partly to impress Alex, and partly because he knew that Alex’s arms still got tired. It didn’t take him long to notice how quiet Alex was being and how is friend was just staring at his feet.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Zach joked.

Alex flinched slightly as if Zach had startled him. “What?” he asked, glancing up at Zach.

“Dude, you’re like a million miles away. What’s up?”

To Zach’s horror, Alex put his head in his hands, his shoulders beginning to shake. Zach stopped rowing and shuffled forward, placing his hand on Alex’s knee. “Hey” he said softly, “you can talk to me.”

Alex raised his head, tears glistening on his cheeks. “If I tell you everything, do you promise not to judge me?”

“I would never judge you” Zach promised. “I’m here for you.”

Alex wiped his cheeks. “Um… well, I’ve kind of been dating Winston for the past few weeks.”

So Alex did like Winston. The heaviness reappeared in Zach’s stomach and he pushed it away. “Oh” he said lamely. It didn’t feel like the time to congratulate Alex, seeing as he was in tears in front of him.

“I thought it was going well” Alex continued, “but then this morning Clay told me that Winston and Monty were together before Monty died and now Clay and Ani think Winston’s getting close to me to try and find out what really happened to Bryce.”

This was a lot to take in. Zach’s brain whirred as he tried to figure it all out. Winston and Monty? He’d had no idea. And Clay and Ani had known all along? Well that was just typical. And then there was Winston playing with Alex’s heart. He looked at his friend, noticing that his lip was trembling.

“I just feel like maybe I’m not meant to be happy” Alex sniffed.

Screw happiness, Zach thought bitterly. Look at all the shit that had happened to him and his friends in the last couple of years, they were never going to be happy. Zach knew that he, personally, did not deserve to be happy. “Look man” he told Alex, “happiness, it just makes us unhappy.”

“I thought I’d found something close though” Alex sighed. “But I guess I was wrong.”

Zach fumbled in his back for the flask of alcohol he’d brought with him. He found that he now needed a drink to get him through tough conversations and his own emotions. He took a swig and looked at Alex. “We chase shit that we think is going to make us happy” he explained, “but it doesn’t. It just ends sad. Every. Fucking. Time.” He ducked his head and took another drink to avoid Alex’s eyes. “That’s why you have to be ok with not being happy. That’s what makes you free. The fact that you can just let go of everything and say fuck it all.”

Suddenly the flask was plucked from his hand. He looked up in surprise to see Alex take a long drink. He raised the flask and smiled at Zach. “Fuck it all.”

Zach laughed “Fuck it all!”

Alex stood up, beginning to laugh himself now. “You know what? Fuck. It. All.”

“Ok” Zach said. He stood up too, loving this new side of Alex, so carefree and fun. He grinned, moving closer to the other boy. “Fuck it all” he repeated. He was so close to Alex now that he was pretty sure he could count his friend’s eyelashes. He gulped, if he just leaned in one centimetre further, he could kiss Alex. The realisation made him take a step back suddenly, not realising that Alex was taking a step back at the same time. The boat tipped and Alex flew over the side into the water as Zach crashed down on the bottom of the boat.

He lay there for a few seconds laughing at the stupidity of it all, trying to forget that he’d almost kissed his best friend again. Then he realised he couldn’t hear any splashing. He looked for Alex and couldn’t see any sign of him. “ALEX” he shouted, panic beginning to set him. He didn’t even hesitate before jumping into the water.

He dived down, looking around frantically until he spotted Alex sinking slowly to the bottom of the lake. In a few short kicks, he reached him and wrapped his arms around the other boy pulling them both towards the surface. He swam quickly to the shore, dragging Alex onto the pebbles.

He collapsed onto the ground next to Alex, listening to his friend coughing and spluttering, taking deep breaths himself to try and calm his heart. Shit, that had been close. “Alex” he gasped. “You almost died.” There was no reply, so he looked over to check that Alex was ok. “Are you with me or not? Alex, talk to me!”

Alex sat up. “Shit’s so fucked up” he sobbed. Zach scrambled to his knees and shuffled over to Alex, throwing his arms around him and pulling him to his chest.

“I’ve got you” he whispered against Alex’s hair. He closed his eyes, breathing shakily. “God, Alex. You scared me for a moment.”

Alex pulled away slightly, he looked at Zach and Zach felt like his eyes were staring into his soul. “Thanks for saving my life” Alex said softly. “Again.”

Zach absentmindedly brushed a strand of hair away from Alex’s face, then realising what he’d done, he pushed himself away from Alex and stood up, missing the confusion on Alex’s own face. He forced a smile. “Let’s not make a habit of it” he said lightly, “but you know I’ll save your ass anytime.”

He held out his hand, helping Alex to his feet. “I’m freezing” Alex said, wrapping his arms around himself.

“Let’s get you back to camp” Zach said. They’d go back to camp and Zach could leave all his feelings buried by the lake. Fuck it all. That was his mantra now. Fuck Bryce, and Monty, and Winston, and Clay and Ani. Fuck the pain and sadness he felt every day. Fuck these feelings he had for Alex, whatever they were. He couldn’t tell Alex, there were some things that were better off left unsaid. What he’d told Alex was true, everything ended badly anyway.

*******************

Ok, so this party was kind of fun.

When Zach had basically begged Alex to come to the party, Alex had thought he’d be begging Zach to leave after an hour, if that. He’d only come in the end because he knew Zach would just continue to bug him about it, and also because he was secretly excited about Zach and Alex time.

Even though Zach had ditched him for alcohol and girls as soon as they’d got through the door, Alex had actually had a great time. Sitting with Charlie, getting high on weed cookies had been surprisingly relaxing and had definitely taken his mind off everything to do with Bryce and Monty, as well as his heartbreak over Winston and his confusing feelings over Zach.

Now that the cookies were no longer working their magic though, Alex decided it was time to go home. He and Charlie searched the house from top to bottom looking for Zach and found no sign of him.

“I can’t believe he’d just ditch me” Alex complained to Charlie, feeling genuinely hurt. Since Zach had saved him at the lake and they’d nearly kissed, twice, it had felt like Zach had been avoiding him a bit which was why as soon as Zach had come up to him the day before, Alex has been relieved that everything was ok. Zach had even joked about their actual kiss like there was no awkwardness between them. It didn’t make sense that Zach would have just left the party without him.

“I’m sure he wouldn’t…” Charlie said.

Alex sighed and called Zach’s phone. It went straight to voicemail. “I’m just going to get a cab home” he told Charlie, feeling a bit deflated.

“Let me walk you out” Charlie offered, smiling sweetly at Alex.

Alex found himself smiling back as they wove through groups of their classmates to reach the front door. As soon as they stepped outside, Alex’s phone started to buzz. “Finally,” he mumbled, getting his phone out of his pocket and looking at the screen. He frowned. Instead of Zach’s name, like he expected, his Dad was calling him.

“Dad?’ he asked in confusion as he answered the call.

“Hey buddy” his Dad said. “I don’t want you to panic but I’m calling you about Zach.”

A chill swept over Alex’s body. “What about Zach?” he asked.

“There’s been an accident” his Dad told him. “Zach was driving under the influence and his car flipped over the railings on the highway. He’s ok, thank God, a little banged up, but ok. He’s on his way to hospital and he’s been asking for you.”

Alex couldn’t speak. Zach had been in a car crash. Zach could’ve died. It was too much for Alex to cope with. The person he cared about most in the world was hurt. What was he even doing driving along the highway like that?

He stared straight ahead as Charlie gently took the phone out of his hand and spoke to his Dad. “Hello? Deputy Standall? It’s Charlie St. George. Yeah, Alex is ok, I think he’s just in shock. I’ll make sure he gets to the hospital safely.” He hung up and put his arm around Alex’s shoulders, gently steering him away from the house. “Come on” he said softly, “I’ll call us an Uber and I’ll take you to see Zach.”

Alex nodded mutely, his heart pounding. Zach. Zach. Zach. God, he better be ok.

Alex cried the entire journey to the hospital. He guessed it was a combination of the comedown from the cookies and the intense worry he was feeling for Zach. Charlie patted his shoulder every now and then, murmuring words of comfort. He was being so sweet, and his kindness just made Alex cry harder.

When they arrived at the hospital, Charlie placed his hand on Alex’s arm. “Are you sure you don’t want me to come in with you?”

Alex wiped his face and tried to smile. “No thanks, I just need to see Zach on my own, and my Dad’s here so he’ll take me home.”

Charlie nodded. “Tell Zach I say hi.”

Alex took a breath and climbed out the cab and walked towards the hospital. He quickly found his way to the ward Zach was on. Most of the nurses in the hospital knew Alex, either due to working with his Mom, knowing his Dad, or looking after him during the months he was learning to walk and talk again after his TBI. That meant they knew Zach too; his friend had visited him nearly every day for the entire of his hospital stay.

The nurse at the ward station smiled sympathetically as Alex approached, noticing his swollen eyes and tear stained cheeks. She pointed down the corridor. “He’s in room 3821, honey” she told him. “Just on the left there.”

Alex walked down the corridor and stopped outside the open door to Zach’s room. His friend was lying in bed staring at the ceiling. His right eye was swollen, and cuts and bruises littered his face and neck. His left arm was also in a sling. Alex was struck by how Zach’s face was completely blank, as if he had no emotion or like he was completely off in his own world. He gently knocked on the door and Zach jumped slightly, he stared at Alex for a moment and then his eyes lit up, his facial expression changing almost instantly.

Alex crossed the room without speaking and crawled onto the bed, carefully wrapping his arms around Zach’s waist and pressing his face against Zach’s chest. The range and depth of emotions he felt was overwhelming, he’d never ever felt like this before and it scared him. He felt that same safety in Zach’s arms as he had on the rooftop all those weeks ago, and at the lake when Zach had held him so tenderly. He didn’t know what this meant. Surely lying here in Zach’s arms with his head on his chest wasn’t just friendship, but it felt so natural. He tried and failed to stop the second wave of tears, the fear and now the relief that he felt overpowering him. He lay there listening to Zach’s breathing, Zach’s hand rubbing slow circles over his back.

Over the next few minutes, the tears shifted from tears of relief to tears of anger. He sat up, pulling away from Zach, suddenly unmoved by how softly the other boy was looking at him. He punched Zach’s uninjured arm. “What the fuck were you thinking Zach?” he asked, his voice rising.

Zach looked taken aback at the change in Alex’s mood. “I didn’t do anything” he said angrily. “Clay was driving. It was all fine and then it was like he blacked out or something and he just kept accelerating until we flipped over the railing.” His voice wobbled. “He got out and left me, Alex. He left me for dead.”

Alex stared at Zach in shock. That was so unlike Clay, and it scared Alex that Clay’s mental health was obviously deteriorating and that he’d actually leave a friend to die. But he was equally worried about Zach, this was just yet another episode of him spiralling, of getting out of control and risking his life.

“Was Clay drunk?” Alex asked. “Were you drunk?”

Zach’s jaw clenched. “What does that have to do with anything?”

“It has everything to do with what happened!” Alex cried. “My Dad said you were over the limit- I’m guessing Clay was too. Why the hell did you let him drive?”

“He won a bet” Zach mumbled. “I said he could drive the Audi.”

Alex was at a loss for what to do, or how to help Zach. Why couldn’t he see how dangerous his actions were? He used to be so careful, so focused on what was right and wrong. “What’s going on with you, Zach?”

Zach’s jaw clenched. “I’m so sick of people asking me that! Why can’t everyone just leave me alone to get on with my life?”

“Because people care about you. I care about you! You and Clay could’ve died tonight, Zach and I don’t think you really care. You’re drunk all the time, you’re treating your friends like crap, you’re skipping school… it’s obvious you’re not happy.”

“I’m fine” Zach insisted. “Can’t people change?”

“This isn’t a good change” Alex said, wiping his eyes. “I just want to help you. I miss the old Zach, my best friend. You said we should be the type of friends who tell each other everything- what happened to that?”

Zach turned his face away, that mask going up to hide his emotions. “I’m tired” he said quietly. “I think you should leave.”

“Please Zach” Alex begged. “Just talk to me.”

“I’ll see you at school” Zach replied.

Alex sighed, sliding off the bed and making his way to the door. Sometimes he saw the old Zach, and then there were times like this when he wondered if his best friend, the boy he thought he loved, had ever even existed.

His Dad was waiting for him outside Zach’s room. “Everything ok kiddo?” he asked.

“Yeah” Alex lied. “Everything’s going to be fine.”

He wished that was true.

***********

There was a lockdown. A shooter in the school, and Zach had no idea where Alex was.

That was all he could think about right now. Alex could be anywhere. He could be on his own, or being held hostage, or even injured, and Zach was currently barricading himself in the art classroom like the coward he was.

He heard footsteps behind him and braced himself to come face to face with some kid with a gun. His life had been spiralling even more since the car crash and he didn’t even think he was afraid of dying anymore. Whenever he closed his eyes, he either saw Clay walking away from him, leaving him alone or the ground, or Alex crying over him in the hospital. He was sick of everything, and he was scared.

He turned to find Winston Williams coming out of the darkroom and groaned inwardly. Great. Of all the fucking people to be stuck in a room with, it had to be Alex’s ex.

“What are you doing?” Winston asked.

Was this guy stupid? “Code red” Zach said slowly. “Shooter. Did you not hear the announcement?”  
“No” Winston replied. “I was in the darkroom. I had headphones on.”

Zach hobbled over to a desk and sat down pulling out his Vicodin prescription as well as a bottle of vodka to wash the pills down. His knee was throbbing, and he could barely think through the pain. “So” he said dryly, “should we just wait to die.”

Winston watched him swallow his pills. “So, the vodka’s just for fun, right?”

“Try walking around with a broken arm and a fucked up knee” Zach snapped. He couldn’t deal with more judgement, especially from someone he didn’t even know.

“I’m not judging” Winston said. “But maybe you want to try something that might actually take the pain away?” He held up a bag of red pills and grinned at Zach.

Zach was intrigued, it took a lot to take physical, and emotional, pain away from him at the moment. He was willing to try anything.

Thirty minutes later and Zach’s head was feeling a little fuzzy but it wasn’t really enough to distract him from the pain. “Dude” he complained to Winston, “this shit’s weak.”

“You’ve eaten all the snacks” Winston pointed out. “You’re stoned.”

Zach laughed, it was cute that Winston thought that someone as messed up as him could be stoned after a few pills. “You’re talking to the guy who’s been fucked up for half a semester, I think I’d know if I was-” He trailed off as laughter bubbled out of him. Ok, maybe he was a little stoned.

“So” Winston said when they’d both stopped laughing. “Why are you always fucked up?”

Yeah, Zach wasn’t giving away his secrets that easily. “It’s high school, man” he shrugged. “People suck.” I suck. He thought. His mind went back to Alex for a moment, to all the times he’d hurt him recently, and he thought about Justin- how he’d ruined that friendship too.

“Your friends suck” Winston sighed. “I learned that in the woods.”

Zach turned to look at him. “You’re talking about what happened with Alex?”

Winston looked surprised. “You know about it?”

It was hard to forget your best friend crying because he’d had his heart broken. All the anger Zach had felt towards Winston when Alex told him the story came flooding back. “Yeah” he replied to Winston. “I do.”

“Come to me when your boyfriend breaks up with you for no reason and won’t even look at you and basically hates your guts.”

No reason? God, Zach hated this guy. “Don’t pretend to be innocent” Zach said angrily. “You lied to him! How’s anyone supposed to believe you actually gave a shit about Alex?”

“I do give a shit about Alex” Winston insisted. “I wasn’t playing him. I loved him. I still do.”

That was enough to sober Zach up. What did this kid know about loving Alex? He’d known him for five minutes! He didn’t know what Alex had been through, what he liked and disliked, what made him laugh, how to comfort him when he cried… “Yeah?” Zach scoffed. “What did you love about him exactly?”

“He’s like the kindest person I’ve ever met” Winston replied and Zach couldn’t help but agree because it was just so true.

“Yeah” he said softly, turning away from Winston for a moment, his heart beginning to ache. Everything about Alex was perfect but his kindness stood out.

“Wait” Winston said slowly, “Are you in love with him too?”

And there it was, the question Zach had been trying to avoid for so long. Did he love Alex? He knew now, had known for a while that it shouldn’t even be a question. Of course he was in love with Alex, he had been ever since Alex woke up in the hospital after he’d shot himself. Zach had refused to admit it to himself, he wasn’t good enough for someone as perfect as Alex, but Alex had kissed him, and Zach had thrown away the chance of finally being with him, as well as every chance he’d had since then.

“Yeah” he whispered. “I-I am in love with him, but he doesn’t know that. He’s the best person I know. I’ve done a lot of fucked up shit and he never judges me.” Zach knew that now, even in the hospital last week- Alex hadn’t been judging, he just cared about Zach.

Winston laughed bitterly. “He’s in love with you though. Always worried about you.” He paused and looked at Zach with interest. “You’ve done some shit? Like what?”

Zach snapped out of his Alex love trance. Oh no, there was no way that he was spilling all the Bryce stuff to Winston, no way he was ever going to tell him that Alex had killed Bryce. He was about to open his mouth to tell him that when someone walked past the door. Zach threw himself to the floor, his heart pounding. “Did you see that?” he gasped. He was starting to panic now, he needed Alex. He wanted Alex to be here with him, not Winston. “No offense” he said out loud, “but I don’t want to die with you.”

“Don’t worry” Winston said, “I don’t want to die with you either, I think we’d both rather be with one particular person right now.” He paused, staring down at his hands. “Listen, this is a weird thing for me to ask after what you’ve told me, but if I die and you live will you tell Alex that he’s the first boy I ever truly loved.”

Zach stared at him. He could tell that Winston was being genuine, that he truly loved Alex. “Yeah” he found himself saying. “I’ll do that.” He realised he needed to get things off his chest too. “If I die and you live, you have to tell Alex that I’m sorry for everything and I love him.” He took a deep breath, choosing his next words carefully. “Also, I beat up Bryce the night he died.”

Winston’s eyes widened. “You killed him.”

Zach shook his head, thinking of Alex, of how Alex pushed Bryce because Bryce wanted to hurt Zach again. Of how Alex was always saving him. “No” he said. “The police told me that wasn’t how he died, but that’s why I feel like shit. That’s why I’m always getting fucked. Maybe he wouldn’t have died if it wasn’t for me. So, if I don’t get out of here, you tell Alex I love him, and you tell Mrs Walker I’m sorry for what I did to Bryce, got it?”

“Of course,” Winston said. Zach tried to smile, suddenly feeling choked up. This was the first time he’d unburdened to someone, not only about his feelings for Alex, but about his guilt over Bryce. Winston opened his mouth to say something else but before he could they heard Principal Bolan’s voice over the tannoy system.

“This drill is now over. Thank you to everyone for your co-operation, you may now return to your classes.”

A fucking drill? Zach had thought he was going to die, that he’d never see Alex again. He’d just spilled all his secrets to Winston, and it was a drill? He had to leave now. He struggled to his feet and started making his way to the door.

“Zach” Winston said. “We need to talk about what you said about Bryce.”

Zach knew he’d made a massive mistake, one that could potentially hurt Alex. “No” he replied. “I need to go and find Alex, that’s my priority right now.”

He yanked the door open and walked quickly down the corridor, weaving through groups of students. He knew Alex had had a study period, so he headed towards the library, bumping into Tony at the door. “Have you seen Alex?” he asked.

“He’s just in there” Tony told him.

Zach thanked him and walked into the library ready to just hug Alex and hope the right words would just come to him. He could see Alex now, talking to Charlie. Just as Zach was about to get Alex’s attention, Charlie leaned forward and kissed Alex.

Zach felt like the world had stopped turning. He watched as Charlie pulled back and he and Alex spoke to each other before Alex pulled Charlie in for another kiss. This time Zach’s heart was well and truly shattered. He’d missed his chance due to stubbornness and stupidity. Alex had found someone who was good, and kind, and wasn’t fucked up. Zach turned away and left the library before Alex could spot him. There was nothing left for him now, he could stop trying. He had no friends, no football, no chance of going to college. He’d lost everything.

************

It didn’t surprise Alex that Clay Jensen and Jessica Davis had started a riot, he just knew he didn’t want to be part of it. He hadn’t even looked for Charlie before he’d run off. It had been a few weeks since the lockdown and even though Charlie was so sweet and kind, and obviously cared about Alex so much, Alex just couldn’t seem to feel the same way. His acceptance letter to Berkeley that morning had thrown him too, how could he be excited about going to college when he didn’t even feel like he was being true to himself? He needed to escape for a while.

He walked as quickly as he could down the school corridors, trying to get as far away from the teachers, police, and his fellow students as he could. He turned a corner and saw Zach coming towards him. His heart leapt. He hadn’t really spent much time with Zach since the car crash when Alex had shouted at him in the hospital. It almost seemed like Zach had been trying to avoid him, so seeing him walking towards him with a grin on his face was a huge relief.

“Hey” he said as Zach reached him. He noticed fresh cuts and bruises on Zach’s face, as well as a new black eye, and his heart sank. Zach had been fighting again. “We shouldn’t be going out there right?” he asked. “It’s a bad idea.”

Zach shook his head. “Total waste of fucking time. When has a bunch of people walking out ever achieved anything?”

Alex stared at him. “Uh… actually I feel it has, and also I feel like I’m letting Jess down.”

Zach shrugged, looking bored. “Why? Jess can make plenty of stupid noise on her own.”

Alex sighed. “Jesus, Zach. Aren’t you tired of pretending to be an asshole?”

Zach looked surprised, and then to Alex’s shock he just looked sad. “Aren’t you tired of being afraid?” he shot back. Alex noticed his voice break at the end and wondered what Zach was thinking about.

He was tired of being afraid though. And he realised in that moment, looking at Zach, and truly seeing the struggles his friend was going through, that he was tired of being afraid to admit that he didn’t want to be with Charlie. He still loved Zach. He wondered if Zach was afraid too. “Yes” he said simply.

Zach smiled. “Then let’s make some noise.”

Zach led the way, stopping off in the locker rooms to grab a baseball bat before taking Alex round the back of the school to the glass doors leading to the faculty offices, including Principal Bolan’s. He stopped and handed Alex the bat. “Go on then” he said.

Alex looked at the bat and then at Zach. “You’ve got to be kidding me!”

Zach laughed. “Come on, live a little. Let off some steam.”

Alex lifted the bat and swung it at the door, one of the glass panels shattering instantly. It was oddly satisfying. Zach cheered, and Alex grinned. “I love this” Alex admitted, handing the bat to Zach, “and we’re so going to get busted.”

“Not more than I already am” Zach said, swinging the bat. “ My life is fucked forever, so…”

Alex hated to hear Zach talking about himself like this, did he truly believe what he was saying? Did he think so little of himself? Couldn’t he see how much other people cared about him? How much Alex cared about him? “You know that’s not true, right?” he told him. “So, you’re not going to play football. That’s, like, the least thing about you.”

“Because really, I’m smart and kind, and have people that love me?” Zach asked, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

Exactly. Alex thought. He couldn’t believe he’d spent the last few months thinking Zach was just pretending to be the fucked up asshole who didn’t care about anything, when he’d actually been doing it because he thought he wasn’t worth anything. It broke Alex’s heart. “Well, yeah” he told Zach. I love you, he wanted to say, but he was scared of the weight of the words.

Zach went to take another swing at the door when they heard sirens approaching. A police car pulled up a few feet away from them and Alex felt himself begin to panic. They were so busted. Zach opened the door and they ran inside, racing down the corridors together. They burst into the offices and barricaded the doors, giggling hysterically as they did. Alex felt lighter than he had in ages, he was going to get in so much trouble but it didn’t matter when Zach was by his side.

Without even saying anything, they got to work messing up the office. Eventually, Alex grew bored and wandered over to find Zach in Foundry’s office. Zach was reading a piece of paper, his face pale.

“What is it?” Alex asked.

“It’s my fucking file” Zach said, his voice hoarse.

Alex came closer. “What does it say?” he asked curiously. He knew Zach hadn’t been doing well academically this semester.

Before Zach could reply there was a bang on the door and the angry voices of the cops outside. They’d found them.

Zach shoved the piece of paper in his pocket. “Go” he said urgently. “Get the fuck out. Take the back way.”

“Zach!” Alex protested. There was no way he was leaving his friend when the cops were about to bash their way through the door. God knows what they’d do to Zach.

“GO!” Zach repeated. When Alex didn’t move, he took a step forward. “Why are you with me and not Charlie?”

There was silence for a moment as Alex stared at Zach. He could see the anger and fear in his friend’s eyes. Zach loved him, Alex realised. That was why he’d been avoiding him. He was scared, and angry, and hurting, and Alex realised now that Zach wouldn’t or couldn’t let himself love or be loved.

“You know why I’m here.”

“You should be with Charlie” Zach said, the anger and jealousy evident in his voice. Alex couldn’t believe he hadn’t noticed it until now. “Go and find him.”

Alex stepped closer to Zach. “Don’t you get it? I don’t want Charlie, I want you. That night on the rooftop, you told me you weren’t into guys. That you weren’t into me. I think that’s bullshit. I’ve seen how jealous you’ve been when I’ve been around Winston and Charlie. And I know you’re scared and that’s ok. I love you, Zach. I want to be with you.”

Zach shook his head. “No. You don’t want me. I’m broken, Alex. I’ve done horrible things. I don’t deserve happiness. You deserve better than someone like me.”

Alex moved even closer so that he was right in front of Zach. Close enough to see the tears in Zach’s eyes and the way his lip was quivering. “You don’t get to decide what I deserve. You’re not broken and you’re not a bad person.” He reached out to touch Zach’s cheek and Zach flinched. “Please” Alex whispered. “Just let me love you, Zach.”

Zach leant forward, and Alex cupped his cheek. They moved closer and closer until their noses were touching and then their lips. This kiss was even better than their first, there was so much love and longing. This was how it was supposed to feel. This was what Alex had wanted all along. It had always been Zach, and it always would be.

The crash of the office door shattered the spell. Alex and Zach broke apart. Zach’s eyes were wide, tears running down his cheeks, and he was looking at Alex with such tenderness and wonder that it took Alex’s breath away.

“So, you boys think you can just damage personal property?” Alex flinched as a hand landed on his shoulder and he was pulled away from Zach and turned to face the cop.

He knew it was best to just not say anything and go quietly. He glanced back at Zach, wondering if his friend would kick up a fuss, but Zach was staring at the floor, looking deep in thought. They were both marched outside and Alex’s stomach sank as he saw his Dad standing by his patrol car with his hands folded. He didn’t even have time to say anything to Zach before his Dad was pushing him into the passenger seat.

**************

“What were you thinking?” His Dad shouted. Alex didn’t think he’d seen his Dad this angry in a long time. He was sitting at the kitchen table while his Dad paced around the room.

“I’m sorry” Alex mumbled.

“Sorry?” his Dad repeated. “is that all you’ve got to say? You’re lucky this isn’t going to go on your permanent record and that it’s just a week’s suspension. You’ve just got accepted to Berkeley.”

“I know” Alex said tiredly. He knew he’d disappointed his Dad, but he was struggling to listen at the moment. “Dad, I need to go and see Zach.”

“Absolutely not” his Dad replied. “I can’t believe how stupid and reckless the two of you were today. You are both supposed to be keeping your heads down right now, especially because the Bryce Walker case is currently open. They have no reason to suspect anything and we want to keep it that way.”

“I know” Alex repeated. “But you don’t understand, I have to see Zach.”

“You’re grounded” His Dad said firmly. “And if Zach’s Mother has any sense, she’ll ground him too.”

Fuck. What was Alex supposed to do? His Dad had confiscated his phone as soon as he got into the car, he had no way to contact Zach. He had to see if Zach was ok. He had to talk about the kiss, the love confession. He couldn’t just leave it.

He got up and stormed out of the kitchen and up to his bedroom, slamming the door behind him. He ignored his parents’ calls for him to come down for dinner and pretended to be asleep when they came into his room.

It was midnight when he heard a tapping at his window. He climbed out of bed and opened his curtains, looking down to see Zach standing outside the house. “One minute” he mouthed.

He went downstairs as quietly as he could and opened the door. Zach immediately pulled him into a hug and they stood there for a few minutes just holding each other. After a while, Alex reluctantly pulled back. “Let’s go upstairs before we get caught by my parents” he whispered. “I don’t know about you, but I’m in deep shit.”

A ghost of a smile crossed Zach’s face. “Me too.”

Alex grabbed Zach’s hand and led him upstairs, pulling him into his bedroom and quietly shutting the door behind them. He sat on his bed and patted the space beside him. Zach sat down and looked up at Alex, confusion and pain in his eyes.

“I’m a mess” he admitted. “Oh god, Alex, I’m such a mess and I don’t want to be anymore. I’m so tired of feeling like shit all the time. And you were right, I am tired of being an asshole. I’ve lost Justin, and Jess, and I should’ve lost you, but you’ve always stayed with me.”

Alex covered Zach’s hand with his own. “I’m really sorry that you had to go through all of this on your own. I’m always here for you, I’ll never leave you.”

“I love you” Zach said. “I’ve loved you for a really long time and I’ve just been pretending I didn’t because I was scared. I was going to tell you how I felt after the lockdown drill, but then I saw you kissing Charlie and I thought I’d missed my chance.”

Zach loved him. Alex felt like he’d been waiting forever to hear those words. “I love you too, Zach. That night, on the rooftop when I almost fell, and you caught me, I felt so safe in your arms. I always feel safe with you. I want to make you feel safe now. We’ve wasted so much time not being together, but we can fix that now.”

“I do feel safe with you” Zach assured him. “I feel safer with you than I do with anyone else. I’m going to stop drinking and apologise to Bolan and Foundry. I want to do better.” He pulled a crumpled piece of paper from his pocket, Alex recognised that it was the paper Zach had taken from his file when he’d been in Foundry’s office earlier that day. “Coach Kerba wrote it.” He cleared his throat and began to read. “Let me tell you about the Zach Dempsey I know. One of the finest young men I’ve had the opportunity to coach. Zach led our team with fortitude and empathy on and off the field.” Zach stopped reading and wiped his eyes with his sleeve. “How can he still have faith in me, after everything I’ve done?”

Alex wrapped his arms around Zach, resting his chin on his shoulder. “Because he knew you were struggling. You’re an amazing guy, Zach, and everyone knows it. You’ve just got to believe in yourself.”

Zach shifted round until he was facing Alex. This time he was the one who initiated the kiss. It was slow and sweet, and Zach’s hand moved to cup the back of Alex’s head, pulling him even closer. When they broke apart, they lay down, foreheads pressed together and hands tightly clasped. “I feel really lucky right now” Zach whispered.

“Me too” Alex said softly. They lapsed into silence, and Alex fell asleep listening to Zach’s breathing. He was finally right where he was supposed to be.

********

A week later, and Alex was waking up next to Zach again. “Zach” he whispered. “Wake up!”

Zach groaned and rolled over. “5 more minutes” he pleaded.

Alex laughed softly. “Come on Zach, my parents will be up soon and it’s our first day back after our suspension.”

Zach sat up with a sigh. “Or we could just skip?” He looked at the expression on Alex’s face and held his hands up. “I’m just joking! I promise I’m not skipping anymore.”

Alex leaned over and kissed him. “You better not” he warned. “I’m ready to cheer my boyfriend on when he graduates.”

Zach smiled. “Well I better get to work then.” He pulled his top on and stood up. “I really like waking up next to you by the way, and I love hearing you call me your boyfriend.”

“Me too” Alex said. He got up to walk Zach to his bedroom door. Before leaving, Zach pulled him into another kiss, and then kissed his nose and his forehead before stepping back. He looked up and down the corridor, checking it was clear before turning back to Alex with a grin. “See you at school?”

“You bet” Alex replied. He watched as Zach tiptoed down the stairs and out the front door before walking back into his room and flopping onto his bed. He’d talked through a lot of stuff with Zach over the last week, but somehow the topic of when they were going to tell their friends and parents about them being a couple had never come up. He had let Charlie know that he just wanted to be friends with him though, he hadn’t mentioned Zach, but he was pretty sure the other boy knew, and he’d been his usual sweet and kind self. He was scared that Zach might freak out once they got to school, that he might just avoid him. He knew how much Zach loved him, but high school was hard.

He didn’t need to worry though. When he arrived at school, Zach was already waiting for him. “Let me take that” he said, grabbing Alex’s backpack and slinging it over his shoulder.

“Such a gentleman” Alex teased. “How long should I expect this treatment for?”

“Forever?” Zach suggested. He wrapped his arm around Alex’s waist and then looked nervous. “Is this ok? I mean, are you ok with us being public?”

Alex stopped walking and stood on his tiptoes to kiss Zach’s cheek. “Of course” he reassured him. “As long as you’re ok with it.”

Zach nodded. “Yeah, I’m proud to be with you.”

“Zach Dempsey, my office.” They looked up to see Dean Foundry in front of them beckoning Zach towards him.

Zach sighed. “Better go and get my punishment. I’ll see you later.”

Alex watched him go, hoping Foundry wouldn’t be too hard on Zach.

“So Foundry’s trying to cancel prom.”

Alex was startled by Jess’s voice. “What?”

“They’re cancelling prom” Jess repeated. “Apparently some of the parents think we’re in some sort of gang or some shit, and we’re going to use prom to start a revolution.”

Alex snorted. “Seriously? Who cares about prom anyway?”

Jess punched his arm. “I do! And so should you- it’s senior year, Alex, we deserve to have some fun.”

It would be nice, Alex thought. And maybe he could dance with Zach? “Ok” he said, “but if they’re trying to cancel it what can we do?”

Jess smiled. “Meet at Clay’s house after school?”

**********

Tell their parents the truth. That was the big idea to get prom back. Alex was sceptical, would it really work? Tell them just enough to get them on their side, that’s what Charlie said. He looked at Zach, an unspoken conversation passing between them. It was time to tell everyone about their relationship, starting with their friends and then their parents.

Zach stood up. “Guys, Alex and I need to tell you something.”

Everyone stopped talking and looked at them curiously. Alex swallowed and stood up and slipped his hand into Zach’s. “Zach and I are dating” he announced.

There was silence for a moment, and then Justin starting clapping and everyone else joined in. Alex’s face heated up with embarrassment, but he was secretly pleased with how his friends were reacting and looking at Zach, he could tell his boyfriend was too.

“Finally!’ Jess laughed. “It took you two long enough!”

Alex was relieved to see that Charlie was smiling too. “This is what I meant” he said softly. “Telling the truth, getting that trust back with our parents.”

The group split up soon after, all on their way to face their parents. “Come in for dinner?” Alex asked Zach, as they pulled up outside his house. “We can tell my parents then, if that’s ok with you?”

“Yeah” Zach replied. “That’s ok with me… but what if they hate that you’re with me?”

“They really like you, Zach, you know that.”

“They liked me before I started drinking and getting you into trouble” Zach pointed out.

Alex got out of the car. “Come on” he said, even though he was feeling really nervous himself, he was about to his parents. “This is going to be fine.”

“Alex? Is that you?” he heard his Mom call as soon as he opened the front door.

He walked to the dining room, Zach following close behind. His Mom, Dad, and Peter were all sat at the table ready for dinner.

“Zach!” his Dad said, smiling warmly. “Good to see you, are you joining us for dinner.”

“Yes sir” Zach said, looking at Alex.

Alex took a deep breath. “So, Zach and I are dating now. He’s my boyfriend.”

His parents looked at each other and Alex’s legs nearly buckled with relief as they both smiled. “Good to know. You like steak, right?” His Dad asked Zach.

Zach grinned. “Yes, I do.”

“Of course you’re dating one of the best ever captains of the Liberty Tigers!” Peter exclaimed. “Nice work little brother.” He pulled out the chair next to him. “Zach, you have to sit next to me. There are a couple of games from last season that I want to pick your brains about.” Zach gave Alex’s shoulder a squeeze before making his way over to Peter, looking so at home that it made Alex feel a little overwhelmed.

His Mom came over and rubbed his shoulder. “Are you ok?” she asked quietly.

“Yeah” Alex said. “I just thought this might be a bigger deal.”

“Is he good to you?” His Mom asked, looking like she already knew the answer, knowing how well Zach had cared for him in the past. “Does he make you happy?”

Alex looked at his brother and Zach deep in conversation about football, his Dad shaking his head and laughing. This was what he wanted, the boy he loved, and his family, all together. “Yeah” he smiled, blinking back tears. “A lot.”

*******  
Prom was back on. Jess was going with Ani. Tyler was going with Monty’s little sister Estella. Clay was going stag, and Alex hoped he was going with his boyfriend, but Zach hadn’t asked him yet.

It wasn’t like Alex wanted a grand gesture, actually he’d hate that, but he wanted something thoughtful.

He opened his locker to get his books for his last period and found a cardboard box perched inside. Oh god. He opened it gingerly and was faced with doughnuts spelling out the word prom. He rolled his eyes but couldn’t help but smile. God, Zach knew him so well. The way to his heart was through some sweet treats.

“So” Zach’s voice came from behind him. He spun around to face his boyfriend. “Alex Standall, will you go to prom with me?”

“You’re so cheesy” Alex told him. “But yes, Zachary Shan-Yung Dempsey, I will 100% go to prom with you.”

Zach smirked and leant forward to give Alex a light peck on his lips. “I knew you’d say yes.”

Alex rolled his eyes again, “Well it would be weird if I rejected my boyfriend asking me to prom.”

“I can’t believe we’re going to prom” Zach laughed. “Do you think it will be lame?”

“Not if Jess is organising it” Alex replied.

**********************

Prom definitely wasn’t lame. Jess and her team had made it look incredibly elegant.

“Well, well” Jess said as she and Ani greeted them by the door. “Don’t you two scrub up well.”

Alex did think Zach was looking particularly handsome tonight. It was going to take everything in him to stop himself from dragging Zach to the bathroom to make out with him, especially as his Dad was chaperoning.

“You both look amazing” Alex told them. “You guys should be prom queens.”

Jess laughed. “Oh no” she said. “Everyone always votes for who the football team wants, and that is definitely not me.”

“Well, it’s not me either” Zach joked, “So looks like neither of us has to worry about being crowned royalty tonight.” He turned to Alex and held out his hand. “If you ladies will excuse me, I’m going to take my prom date to our table.”

Alex blushed as he took Zach’s hand and walked with him to their table where Clay and Charlie were already sitting. Zach pulled Alex’s chair out for him and Alex laughed. “God Zach, you’re really going all out tonight.”

“Only the best for my date” Zach said, fluttering his eyelashes.

Alex gently slapped his arm. “You’re such a dork.”

“Looking sharp boys.” Alex looked up to see his Dad smiling at them. “You boys all ready for a good night.”

“Well, Alex won’t even dance” Clay said.

Alex glared at Clay. “Wow, thanks man.”

“What?” His Dad said. “You won’t dance?”

Alex glanced at Zach. “Hey, there’s no teaming up on Alex, ok? If I don’t want to dance, I don’t want to dance.”

His Dad nodded, “No arguments here, have a good night kids.”

Dinner went by uneventfully. When everyone started to dance, Alex stayed seated with Zach and Jess. “Are we ever going to feel ok” Alex asked suddenly. The question had been weighing on his mind a lot lately. He was so happy with Zach but still couldn’t get over everything that happened with Bryce and Monty.

“I haven’t felt normally ok in a long time” Jess admitted, “but I am going to find ways to be happy.”

“Bryce didn’t deserve to die” Alex said.

He looked at Zach, and Zach reached over and held his hand. “No” Zach said, “he didn’t. But neither do we. He ruined our lives, all three of us! So no, he didn’t deserve to die but we deserve to live.” He raised Alex’s hand to his lips and kissed it gently. “You taught me that.”

Alex nodded, wondering how Zach could possibly keep finding ways to make him love him even more.

“You two are sickeningly adorable” Jess complained. She got up and leaned over, ruffling their hair. “I’m off to prepare to announce prom king and queen, see you guys later.”

Alex and Zach sat at the table for a while, just holding hands, and watching their friends dance. “I wish Justin was here” Zach said. “There’s a lot I need to apologise for.”

Alex squeezed his hand. “You should go round tomorrow, spend some time with him.”

Zach nodded. “Yeah, I think I’ll do that.”

The music stopped, and Jess made her way onto the stage. “Alright Liberty High! The votes are in. It’s time to announce the prom king and queen.” She was handed an envelope and opened it with the usual Jessica Davis dramatic flourish. “Holy shit!” she said. Alex leaned forward. Who could it be if it had surprised Jess this much?

“The prom king and queen are- or king and king- or queen and queen, whatever they want to be! Your prom royalty- Zach Dempsey and Alex Standall!”

The whole room erupted into cheers. Alex’s mouth fell open. Surely this was a mistake? A joke? Zach and he were prom kings? What the fuck? Suddenly all their friends were around them, pulling them from their seats and pushing them towards the stage.

“What is this?” Alex asked as they reached Jess. “Was this you? Did you do this?”

“Of course not” Jess replied. “I told you, it’s whoever the football team want.”

“But why would they choose us?” Zach asked.

“Maybe people like you more than you think Dempsey” Jess suggested. She reached back and picked up the crowns. “So who wants the crown and who wants the tiara?”

Zach smiled at Alex. “I think you’d look cute in a tiara.”

Alex rolled his eyes. “Fine, “I’ll take the tiara.”

Jess placed the crown gently on Zach’s head and kissed his cheek before doing the same to Alex. “You both deserve to be happy” she told them, “and I’m so glad you are.”

He turned to face Zach. “Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!” everyone chanted.

Zach raised his eyebrow. “Well, better give our people what they want.”

Alex smiled and they both leant in, their lips connecting in a swoon worthy kiss, cheers and wolf whistles sounding all around them. Alex pulled away and grinned at Zach, feeling like his whole face was about to split open with the force of his smile. Zach’s eyes were sparkling, and it made Alex’s heart leap.

“All right” the DJ called. “King Zach, King Alex, it’s time for your first dance as Liberty High Royalty!”

“We don’t have to” Zach told him.

“I want to” Alex smiled. “I really want to dance with you.”

He took Zach’s hand and they walked out onto the dance floor together. Zach placed his hands on Alex’s waist and Alex looped his arms around Zach’s neck. It reminded him of when Zach tried to teach him to slow dance in his bedroom all those months ago.

“I’m so happy right now” Zach said quietly. “I never thought I could be this happy. You have changed my life. I love you so much.”

“I love you too” Alex replied, “you make me happier than I’ve ever been.”

Zach pulled him closer, wrapping his arms tightly around him, and Alex turned his face against Zach’s shoulder just breathing him in. They swayed from side to side, like there was no one else in the room.

“All right Liberty!” The DJ cut in. “It’s time to join your Kings and make this a night to remember.”

Alex pulled away slightly and smiled up at Zach. “You heard him! Let’s dance with our friends.”

In the next moment, Ani, Jess, Charlie, and Tony had joined them. “I’m proud of you two” Tony yelled in Alex’s ear. “You’re inspirational.”

Alex laughed as Jess spun him around back into Zach’s arms. They danced for what felt like hours, all their cares and worries melting away.

He was too wrapped up in Zach to notice Justin join the party, and only realised when he bounced over to them hand in hand with Jess, looking completely loved up. “Congrats!” he shouted over the music. “I heard you two are our new prom royalty- I couldn’t think of a better pair.”

Alex saw Zach’s face light up when he saw Justin. He nudged his boyfriend. “You should talk to him” he told him, “make up with him.”

Zach shook his head, “Not the time” he said. “He’s with Jess, and I want to dance with you.”

Alex laughed as Zach spun him around and around, until they were pressed together again. Alex leaned up, about to kiss Zach, when he heard Jess scream.

He pushed through the crowd with Zach, until they reached Jess. She was kneeling on the floor with Clay and Mrs Jensen.

Justin was lying there, and he wasn’t moving.

***************

Zach had been to Evergreen County Hospital too many times. This time though, he was unable to even make it through the door.

He knew it was bad, he knew that Justin was seriously ill. All he could think about was his Dad, how he had sat in this very hospital for days and days, just watching his Dad die. He’d sat in that hospital praying for Alex to wake up. He couldn’t do it again, he wasn’t strong enough.

Another tear ran down his cheek and he sniffled, taking his phone out and sending a text.

**To Alex: I can’t come in.**

A text came back almost immediately.

**From Alex: Where are you??**

**To Alex: Outside the main entrance, by the fountain.**

It only took a couple of minutes for Alex to join him. His boyfriend sat down next to him and waited.

“I can’t” Zach said. “I’m just not strong enough.”

“I can’t even begin to imagine how hard this is” Alex said gently, “but Justin needs you.”

Zach sniffed and shook his head. “No he doesn’t. I’ve treated him so badly.”

“Zach, you’re his best friend. He loves you, and you love him.” Alex moved closer to him and rested his hand on his knee. “He had AIDS, Zach. He has pneumonia and a brain infection. They’ve just put him on a ventilator and they’re not sure if he’ll come off again.”

Zach’s breath caught in his throat. He put his head in his hands and sobbed. Alex wrapped his arms around him and Zach let his boyfriend ground him. His best friend was dying and there was nothing he could do.

He sat up after a few minutes and took a deep breath. “Ok” he said shakily. “I’m going in.”

Alex stood up and held out his hand. “I’m here for you.”

When they arrived in the waiting room, Zach found himself hugging Clay Jensen. He realised that they, along with Jess, were the people who loved Justin the most and he was grateful to Clay for being there when he hadn’t. He sat in Justin’s room for half an hour, holding his hand, just listening to the machines beeping. He didn’t speak, but he hoped Justin knew he was there.

After all that time spent not wanting to go into the hospital, Alex was now having to convince Zach to leave, get some rest, and go to school. “I’ll call you if anything changes” Clay promised.

Zach reluctantly agreed. He knew he couldn’t go home, to his empty house, with his unsympathetic Mother, so he stayed with Alex. When they finally climbed into bed late that night, Zach curled up against Alex’s side, and let his boyfriend stroke his hair. He felt hollow. Justin had always been there for him, and he’d really pushed him away over the last few months.

“Thanks” he whispered to Alex. “For making me go in, for always being there for me.”

Alex didn’t reply, there was nothing he needed to say. Instead, he just kissed the top of Zach’s head and held him closer.

*********

It felt strange to go to school when Justin was in hospital. Even stranger that today Zach was doing community hours to make up for his role in destroying Foundry’s office.

He knocked on the door of Coach Kerba’s office and was greeted with a warm smile. “You asked for me?” Zach said.

“I did” Kerba replied. “You can help me clean out the equipment room and update the playbooks.” He paused and looked at Zach. “And, I wanted to offer you a job.”

“Wait, what?” Zach asked, wondering if he’d heard correctly. Why the hell would Coach Kerba want to give him a job?

“I heard you’re sticking around next year, and I want you to coach the tight ends.”

Zach laughed nervously. “Me? A coach?”

“Yep” Kerba said cheerfully. “Summer coaches’ meetings start the day after graduation so I’m going to need you sober and graduating. Can you do that for me?”

“Yes” Zach promised him. “I can. But… why me? Why did you write that letter to Foundry?”

“Ah the letter” Kerba said. “Well, Zach, I can see the true potential in you, and you’re already living up to everything I said in that letter. I’ve seen you over the last couple of weeks, I saw you being crowned king at prom. You’re a fine young man, Zach. You just need to keep moving forward.”

Alex was waiting for him at the end of the day when Zach’s service hours were over. “Kerba offered me a job, coaching” Zach told him.

Alex stopped walking and grabbed his hand, “that’s amazing, Zach! Are you going to take it?”

Zach nodded, ‘yeah, I think I am.” His phone buzzed, and his stomach dropped as he saw that Clay was calling. “Hello?” he answered fearing the worst.

Clay sounded exhausted. “They’ve taken Justin off the ventilator” he told him. “Um… he’s not getting better, he doesn’t have long left, but he’s awake and he can talk. He’s asking for you.”

“I’m on my way” Zach said. He hung up the phone and looked at Alex.

“Let’s go” Alex said.

**********

Zach stood at the door to Justin’s room for a couple of minutes, working up the courage to go in. He wasn’t prepared to see his friend so close to death, but he knew he had to do this, he had to be there for Justin.

Taking a deep breath, he knocked on the door and stepped inside. Justin’s entire face lit up when he saw him. He lifted his hand and waved him over, his movements jerky.

Zach crossed the room and sat on the chair next to his bed. “How are you doing?”

Justin chuckled. “I’ve been better.” His expression suddenly turned serious. “How are you doing?”

“Better” Zach said truthfully. “I was in a dark place for a long time but I’m coming out the other side now. I’ve had a lot of support”

Justin nodded. “You and Alex. You’re good together. He makes you happy.”

Zach couldn’t help but smile. “Yeah, he really does. He’s incredible.” He wanted to give Justin more good news. “So, I’m going to be coaching football at Liberty in the fall.”

A smile spread slowly across Justin’s face. “That’s awesome! I’m so proud of you, Zach.”

Justin’s words made the dam inside Zach break, his face crumpled and tears began to flow down his cheeks. “I’m so sorry” he sobbed. “I’ve been a shit friend. I wasn’t there to help you.”

Justin fumbled for Zach’s hand and held it tightly. “Don’t say that! You helped me so much. You got me back into football. You’re my best friend.”

“You’re mine too” Zach said, squeezing Justin’s hand.

They looked at each other for a minute and then Justin started giggling. “Zach Dempsey crying over me. What an honour.”

Zach made a sound which was somewhere between a laugh and a sob. “Shut up.”

“Seriously though” Justin said. “Look after yourself. And Alex. Be happy.”

“Don’t worry about me” Zach told him. “I think I’ll be ok.”

He stood up, knowing that it was time to leave, to let Clay and his parents spend these last few precious hours with Justin.

“Love you, Dempsey” Justin said, his breathing sounded more laboured now and he looked exhausted.

Zach leant over and kissed Justin’s forehead. “Love you too.”

He walked to the door and stopped to look at Justin one last time. Justin’s eyes were closing, a smile still on his face. Zach smiled sadly and left, his heart aching.

*************

Justin’s funeral had been emotionally exhausting. He sat in Monet’s with Alex, Charlie and Ani, wearing a football shirt that he wasn’t sure that he deserved to wear, wondering how they’d just buried his best friend.

“Are you ok?” Alex murmured in his ear.

Zach nodded and turned to smile at Alex. “I think so, Justin wouldn’t want us to be too sad.”

“I’m really happy to be alive right now” Alex said. He looked at Ani and Charlie. “I think each one of you has saved my life at some point and I want to thank you all.”

Zach reached over and held Alex’s hand. Alex was right, it was good alive, and he thought, maybe, they’d all saved each other. But he knew Alex had saved him most of all.

The door to Monet’s opened and Winston walked in, immediately making his way over to where they were sitting. Zach felt Alex tense up beside him and Zach sat up straight, ready to tell Winston where to go if he needed.

“Can we talk?” Winston asked Alex when he reached them.

To Zach’s surprise, Alex nodded. “I won’t be long” he told Zach, squeezing his hand before letting go. He got up and followed Winston out of Monet’s.

Zach watched the door, counting the minutes and wondering how long he could wait before going to get his boyfriend. Ani patted his shoulder. “Relax, Zach. Alex knows what he’s doing.”

Zach nodded. She was right, Alex was sensible, and Zach trusted him more than anyone else. The door opened and Alex walked back in. Zach stood up, searching Alex’s face as he got closer for any clues to how the conversation had gone.

When Alex reached him, he took Zach’s face in his hands and kissed him. “Everything’s ok” he said. “Winston knows I killed Bryce, and he knows why. And he’s not going to the police.”

“Seriously?” Zach asked. “We’re ok?”

“It’s time to move on” Alex decided. “It’s time to start the next chapter of our lives.”

**************

They’d graduated. Zach could barely believe it, he’d come so close to throwing this all away, and now he was a graduate, with a gorgeous boyfriend, and great friends.

Alex made his way towards him, people stopping to congratulate him as he went. Zach was so proud of him, he’d been through so much and now he was off to Berkeley. Zach knew he’d be spending a lot of time visiting Alex but recent developments meant he might be spending a lot more time there than he originally thought.

When Alex finally reached him, Zach wrapped his arms around him. “I’m proud of you” he told Alex, kissing the tip of his nose. “And I have some news.”

“Really? I’m intrigued.”

“I’m not taking the coaching job” Zach said. Alex opened his mouth to protest and Zach quickly continued. “I’m not taking it because I’m going to college.”

“Wait, what?” Alex asked. “You got into college and you didn’t tell me!”

“It was a surprise!” Zach laughed. He took hold of both Alex’s hands. “I got in off a late portfolio. I’m studying graphic design. At Berkeley.”

Alex’s mouth dropped open, his eyes filling with tears. “Berkeley?” he whispered. “You mean, we’ll be together?”

“I mean, if you don’t want to, I can always drop out.”

Alex punched his arm. “Shut up! Of course I want to, I was so nervous about having to leave you.” He kissed Zach tenderly and Zach melted into the kiss. “I’m so ridiculously proud of you.”

“Hey! Lovebirds!” They looked up to see Jess standing with the rest of their friends, waving them over. “You coming?”

They joined their friends on a hill overlooking the town, the place where Clay had listened to his tape. The perfect place to bury them.

When they finished, they stood together, looking out over the town. Zach had his arm around Alex’s waist, his boyfriend’s head resting in his shoulder. “All the shit that never would have happened” he mused.

“But then we would have never been friends” Jess pointed out.

Zach looked at Alex. It was true, if all the terrible stuff from the last few years hadn’t happened, he wouldn’t be with Alex, he wouldn’t be at a point where he was truly happy. It was funny how things worked out.

Alex smiled up and him and Zach’s heart skipped a beat. He wished Hannah and Justin could be with them, and there would be things Zach would always regret, but he had Alex and that made everything more than bearable.

Everything had happened the way it was destined to be.


End file.
